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Things I believe: There are no coincidences. There are no accidents. Everything is symbolic. Everything is relative. We're all a little crazy. "The truth is out there." There *is* something greater than us, only it's probably not other than us; it's more likely deep inside us. "The universe is shaped exactly like the earth, if you go straight long enough you end up where you were." (There's a Modest Mouse quote for almost every situation.) "All you need is love." (And food, things you enjoy and, occasionally, medication) That which doesn't kill us doesn't kill us. Breathe. Anyway you can. As long as you can.


On Why I'm Cool

I spoke with my therapist (the good one) a couple days ago. Seeing how I haven't seen her in nearly a year, most of the time was spent filling her in on what's changed and what's wrong.
I got married. Wonder boy is kicking ass in school and turning into a REALLY great guy though he's far too mature for his age. My mother died. We've not been able to achieve pregnancy and my uterus sucks. There have been some issues in our marriage. (Not surprising, really. They say the first year is the hardest.) My husband and I rolled his car, leaving him without a vehicle and me with a mild traumatic brain injury.

I should have sent her a link here. I've already told you guys this.

When we talked, she seemed very supportive and encouraging and not in an "I'm getting paid to care" sort of way. She does care. She's amazing. She reminded me all the things I've been through and how, though they weigh heavily on me at times, I can get through just about anything. She reminded me that the spark is still here and as long as there is just a little light...

I've spent so much energy assessing the damage and fearing the future, I've forgotten the good things. I've forgotten my good side.

So, my homework is to look for ways that I'm still "me", things I love, things that define who I am. In other words, why I'm cool as hell. (Yeah, sounds cocky. It's fine. I spend enough time bullying myself around.)


Got a bad feeling

Slept in the back yard on a few blankets last night so I could see the meteor shower and, without thinking, wished I would die on the longest, clearest one. Then I wished my son would have a much happier life than mine and that he'd be okay if anything happened to me. I cried this morning because I woke up and none of it was a dream. I can't believe it's come to this. I'm losing the war.