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Things I believe: There are no coincidences. There are no accidents. Everything is symbolic. Everything is relative. We're all a little crazy. "The truth is out there." There *is* something greater than us, only it's probably not other than us; it's more likely deep inside us. "The universe is shaped exactly like the earth, if you go straight long enough you end up where you were." (There's a Modest Mouse quote for almost every situation.) "All you need is love." (And food, things you enjoy and, occasionally, medication) That which doesn't kill us doesn't kill us. Breathe. Anyway you can. As long as you can.


On Why I'm Cool

I spoke with my therapist (the good one) a couple days ago. Seeing how I haven't seen her in nearly a year, most of the time was spent filling her in on what's changed and what's wrong.
I got married. Wonder boy is kicking ass in school and turning into a REALLY great guy though he's far too mature for his age. My mother died. We've not been able to achieve pregnancy and my uterus sucks. There have been some issues in our marriage. (Not surprising, really. They say the first year is the hardest.) My husband and I rolled his car, leaving him without a vehicle and me with a mild traumatic brain injury.

I should have sent her a link here. I've already told you guys this.

When we talked, she seemed very supportive and encouraging and not in an "I'm getting paid to care" sort of way. She does care. She's amazing. She reminded me all the things I've been through and how, though they weigh heavily on me at times, I can get through just about anything. She reminded me that the spark is still here and as long as there is just a little light...

I've spent so much energy assessing the damage and fearing the future, I've forgotten the good things. I've forgotten my good side.

So, my homework is to look for ways that I'm still "me", things I love, things that define who I am. In other words, why I'm cool as hell. (Yeah, sounds cocky. It's fine. I spend enough time bullying myself around.)

Here goes...
I'm nice. That's a big deal. 
My husband and son love me and think I'm (mostly) wonderful.
I plan on never growing up. It irritates some people. (*Some people* can indeed fuck right off.)
I'm smart. Even if I forget words occasionally and my spelling took a hit, I'd still be able to build a rocket if I wanted to. You know, assuming I went to school for that or something.
As a pre-nursing student, I know more about a lot of things than the nurses I work with. I'm not making this up. One of the nurses I work with even said it. I started reading about medicine in fifth grade, just for fun. I also watch a lot of Grey's Anatomy. 
I can learn just about anything that interests me. Chemistry does not interest me. Chemistry jokes do. I don't know why. 
My sister loves me. She's beautiful, intelligent, sweet and hilarious. We're not all that different, except the beautiful thing. She's a 10, it's hard to compete.
I listen to great music and I'm not the worst singer you've heard.
I love dogs and hey love me. Dogs know things. I must not be too bad.
Skinny or not, I can give my husband a piggy-back ride. I may not get too far but whatever. 
I love photography. Catching a good smile is awesome to me. (My dad calls me the paparazzi. It doesn't stop me.)
I have an amazing son. He's a small genius. If you think I'm just saying that, ask his teachers. He loves to read, swim, ask silly questions, dance and watch zombie movies. He's empathetic, great at cheering people up and loves sushi. He gets these things from me (but is a much better dancer). I don't know where the love of video games, the farting thing or his height came from. Must be in his Y chromosome.
My husband is incredibly handsome and treats me well. A lot of people can't say that.
I have cool friends. Most of them are freaks and geeks. I'm a magnet for them. This is a GOOD thing. 
I grow stuff, then I make good food with it. Sometimes the good food grows stuff too because we're not all that great about cleaning the fridge here unless I get a little hopped up on coffee or something smells terrible.
I run circles around my coworkers. I didn't for a while after the accident but I'm getting back to it. For that, my bosses love me. (Well, one of my bosses doesn't like me too much right now. Kindly refer to what *some people* can do.) 
My ex-husband and I are good friends. This makes our son a happier child and provides him with a better picture of how people should treat each other. I want him to be happy, as far as I'm concerned that is my main purpose in life. I've also trained him how to fight off zombies and evil Pink Robots. If only my parents had done this.
I pretty much raised myself. I didn't do too bad of a job. I also partially raised my siblings. They turned out even better. Practice makes perfect.
I have a liver made of steel. That may not be a good thing but it keeps me from barfing in public or looking like a wuss when shots are mandatory. 
I kick ass at yoga. I also realize yoga is not a thing to "kick ass" at and don't give a fuck. I do it anyway.
My grandparents think I'm sweet even when I (skillfully) drop f-bombs and I adore them for that.
Did I mention that I have this amazing child thing going on? This is a HUGE, people.
I'm crafty and make cool things. I make some pretty awesome sock monkeys. They usually have piercings, tattoos or something designed just for their owner. People love them.
I have an amazing sense of humor, dry or dark as it may be. It makes people laugh. More importantly, it makes me laugh. 
I'm a freaking prankster. Watch yourself.
I'm not perfect. I'm typically okay with this.

As much of a turd as I may be sometimes, particularly to myself, good people love me and I am the better for it.

That's the best part.


  1. I love you for all of it! And, uuummmmmm....where the FUCK is my fucking sock monkey!? I want one...with earrings and shit! <3

    Thinkin about writing if The atavan and percocets don't kick my ass soon... took a coupple more.... no I'm not Ledgering...I'm FINE (Fuckied up Insecure Neurotic and Emotionsl... FINE!) And that's why I'm cool! :p

    1. Adding "Ledgering" to our dictionary now...

      You are definitely cool and need a sock monkey. I'll get you one, one of these days! Xoxoxxxxxxxoooooo