Slept in the back yard on a few blankets last night so I could see the meteor shower and, without thinking, wished I would die on the longest, clearest one. Then I wished my son would have a much happier life than mine and that he'd be okay if anything happened to me. I cried this morning because I woke up and none of it was a dream. I can't believe it's come to this. I'm losing the war.
It's 4:37pm and I'm finally dressed. It tried several outfits until I broke down and went with the black tee and Angels jeans again. It's the only outfit I trust. There's no way you'll find me at the beach this year, headaches or not, I couldn't don a bathing suit in public if my life depended on it. I yelled at my husband when he came in to kiss me while I was in the shower. I couldn't stand him looking at me naked. My Husband, the guy who LOVES me and tells me I'm beautiful every day. The man who married me and cuddles me every night. I haven't let him touch me in close to two weeks. He thinks this is something he has done and I don't know how to tell him otherwise. I don't know how to change it.
Behind the glass is not an un-pretty girl - 5'5", long brown hair, 112lbs, a relatively high IQ (despite traumatic head injury), beautiful brown eyes, loving, compassionate face - but that is not me.
In this mirror I see nothing but dark circles under my eyes; breasts of a ten year old; wide, oddly-shaped hips; flabby, untoned thighs; barrel knees; cankles and ugly feet. I've picked out every little flaw I can find and I can't get past them.
My sweet little boy might be better off without this perpetually sad, self-loathing mother... I'm trying to face my demons. Trying to accept the past and let go of guilt and shame for horrible things that have happened. Trying to let go of grief and anger and blame. Trying to accept that things have changed and will keep changing and I HAVE TO LET GO. All these things. All these real things to suffer and face and I'm stuck on my thighs to avoid them?
I can't stand any part of me this way.
Neither should you.
- If I told you that I'd have to Kill you
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- Things I believe: There are no coincidences. There are no accidents. Everything is symbolic. Everything is relative. We're all a little crazy. "The truth is out there." There *is* something greater than us, only it's probably not other than us; it's more likely deep inside us. "The universe is shaped exactly like the earth, if you go straight long enough you end up where you were." (There's a Modest Mouse quote for almost every situation.) "All you need is love." (And food, things you enjoy and, occasionally, medication) That which doesn't kill us doesn't kill us. Breathe. Anyway you can. As long as you can.