Slept in the back yard on a few blankets last night so I could see the meteor shower and, without thinking, wished I would die on the longest, clearest one. Then I wished my son would have a much happier life than mine and that he'd be okay if anything happened to me. I cried this morning because I woke up and none of it was a dream. I can't believe it's come to this. I'm losing the war.
It's 4:37pm and I'm finally dressed. It tried several outfits until I broke down and went with the black tee and Angels jeans again. It's the only outfit I trust. There's no way you'll find me at the beach this year, headaches or not, I couldn't don a bathing suit in public if my life depended on it. I yelled at my husband when he came in to kiss me while I was in the shower. I couldn't stand him looking at me naked. My Husband, the guy who LOVES me and tells me I'm beautiful every day. The man who married me and cuddles me every night. I haven't let him touch me in close to two weeks. He thinks this is something he has done and I don't know how to tell him otherwise. I don't know how to change it.
Behind the glass is not an un-pretty girl - 5'5", long brown hair, 112lbs, a relatively high IQ (despite traumatic head injury), beautiful brown eyes, loving, compassionate face - but that is not me.
In this mirror I see nothing but dark circles under my eyes; breasts of a ten year old; wide, oddly-shaped hips; flabby, untoned thighs; barrel knees; cankles and ugly feet. I've picked out every little flaw I can find and I can't get past them.
My sweet little boy might be better off without this perpetually sad, self-loathing mother... I'm trying to face my demons. Trying to accept the past and let go of guilt and shame for horrible things that have happened. Trying to let go of grief and anger and blame. Trying to accept that things have changed and will keep changing and I HAVE TO LET GO. All these things. All these real things to suffer and face and I'm stuck on my thighs to avoid them?
I can't stand any part of me this way.
Neither should you.
About Me
- If I told you that I'd have to Kill you
- Follow me on Facebook
- Things I believe: There are no coincidences. There are no accidents. Everything is symbolic. Everything is relative. We're all a little crazy. "The truth is out there." There *is* something greater than us, only it's probably not other than us; it's more likely deep inside us. "The universe is shaped exactly like the earth, if you go straight long enough you end up where you were." (There's a Modest Mouse quote for almost every situation.) "All you need is love." (And food, things you enjoy and, occasionally, medication) That which doesn't kill us doesn't kill us. Breathe. Anyway you can. As long as you can.
"Behind the glass is not an un-pretty girl - 5'5", long brown hair, 112lbs, a relatively high IQ (despite traumatic head injury), beautiful brown eyes, loving, compassionate face - but that is not me." (good copy and paste, huh?)
ReplyDeleteBehind the SHATTERED glass is a windshield replacement guy ready to install;
(insert guitar interlude)
“Safelite Replace, Safelite Repair” (guy could be a woman...NOT FUCKING SEXUALLY, Either!) and then you will have clearer vision, a better outlook...
(insert guitar interlude)
It's like a snake shedding it's skin... every year or a couple of times a year...whatever... I hate snakes by the way they FREAK me out...
(insert guitar interlude)
Probably the Holy Rollin Mamma I got dealt… “SNAKES ARE OF THE DEVIL, JENNA” (spoken in a soft, condescending, 1980’s Phone “Breathy” voice… then with the LOOOONNNNGGGGGGG pause between “Devil and Jenna” SCARE ME! SCARE ME! SCAR ME! SCAR ME! Notice the e went away! Pretty Slick...
(insert guitar interlude)
Anyway...
(insert guitar interlude)
On the other side of the screen; is a beautiful, HIGHLY intelligent, extremely articulate, Dealt a body she's not happy with... it is what it is; she's not in la la land...she is tiny, she may have dark circles, she has a TBI; those aren't NO FUCKING JOKE... so there is a Butterfly in the cocoon ready to fly...I'm pretty sure I like the butterfly analogy
MUCH FUCKING BETTER! <---
(insert guitar interlude)
There's nothing that Pandora can't help... The Cold Play Radio, Norah Jones Radio, Eva Cassidy, Rachel Yamagata, John Mayer , you get the picture, RIGHT??????????
(insert guitar interlude)
Most don’t….
NO INTERLUDE
If I told you; is a spiritual, beautiful person who has been searching for the “INNER PEACE” for at least the 10 years this month I’ve known Ya! NO, NOT IN THE WARD! We were at a “Spiritual Residency”… HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI!!!!! In the hills of Penn. It was the SOUND OF MUSIC HILL “The Hills are ALIVE with the Sound of Music…la dee da! I think I lasted a week and a half, maybe two… did you leave before me; Imma call you HEDDA like Tofu does! I DON’t LIKE “If I told you or Kill you” ….. LMFAO! Fo Real!
(insert guitar interlude)
You were 19 and I was 29… HOLY FUCKING SHIT!
Dun, Dun, Duuuunnnnnnn!
(not a guitar a loud bass drum)
OK, I’m OVER IT and On my period; so I am super bummed we can’t reunite there for like a week… we should; we can walk around…get the same kitchen jobs this time… We’d HONESTLY…Probably NEVER COME BACK! Ha ha ha ha! Cause that’s a way better and CHEAPER way to get “In patient” care!
OK, I gotta go… I cheese sandwich you (Love & Sex; EXCELLENT MOVIE!) Oh, and Hedda, the movie with Reese Witherspoon is…. WAIT FOR IT….
Dun, Dun, Duuuunnnnnnn!
(not a guitar a loud bass drum)
Freeway! Those two movies are sooooo worth watching; oh and “Playing by Heart” ok…call me tomorrow please! I’m so glad I stopped talking about you… SECOND or THIRD person, whatever... it was botthering me. Talking ABOUT you in place of TO YOU! Carajo!
Grassy-Ass!
Oh and Those... "We Wann make sure you're not a ROBOT" thingy's are getting harder! STUPID... a robot? OMG! Good night!
ReplyDeleteOMG, maybe they're talking about Pink Robots! They're not allowed to read my blog. (The Flaming Lips, look it up, if you don't know)
ReplyDeleteI love the guitar interludes. And you. Especially you.
INSERT ----->>>> HUGE FUCKING SMILE <<<<-----
Delete<3 Let's see if the "greater than" symbol and the NUMBER 3...
The Number Today is Thhhrrrrreeeeeeeeeee
Ah Woooonnnnnnnn
Ah Twooooooooo
Ahhhhhh Thrrrreeeee!
Thrrrreeeeee!
He scared the absolute shit outta me, I hope I'm not dating myself... But it's the Count from Sessame Street! SCARE ME! SCARE ME! SCAR ME!
But, the most ironic is I would love to be adored and have that intensity, of a vamipre. NO NOT FUCKING EDWARD! I was ALL The Way Edward! But I love the evil sexually dominating ones from like An Interview with a Vampire! YUM-MAY!
OK, not sure...OH! Wait! I know I inserted a huge smile and then as ALL-FUCKING-WAYS I Digress! ha! Oh well!
I've been up now since 730 am YESTERDAY Morning! I didn't GO TO BED AT ALL, I tried...was just THINKING and THINKING and FUCKING THINKING and FUCKING THINKING! Now, I must go sleep!
But not until I call you! :)